Monday, August 10, 2009

A Red Wings Fantasy

It's Monday evening, and I'm bored. I'm watching the Tigers lose to the Red Sox, therefore forfeiting any potential bragging rights at work tomorrow, and this idea just came to me. I haven't updated my blog in a week and I thought it could be a nice corollary to The Triple Deke's Bored series. This is basically taking the dreamed-up stories I used to write in elementary school and mixing in some pride, immaturity and hatred.

The Detroit Red Wings:

Line 1 (The Hall of Fame Line): Shanahan - Yzerman - Hull
Line 2 (The From Russia With Love Line): Larionov - Datsyuk - Fedorov
Line 3 (The Millennium Line) : Franzen - Zetterberg - Helm
Line 4 (The Grind Line): Maltby - Draper - McCarty

Defense 1 (The Perfect Pairing): Lidstrom - Rafalski
Defense 2 (The Fulton and Portman Pairing): Kronwall - Konstantinov
Defense 3 (The Didn't Get Enough Time With the Wings Pairing): Fischer - Coffey

Goalie 1 (The '02 Version): Hasek
Goalie 2 (The Love/Hate Relationship): Ozzie

Coach (The Man, The Myth, The Legend): Scotty Bowman

The Unbearable Douche Bags:

Line 1 (The Blind Hatred Line): Turtle Lemieux - Bitch Rosby - Corey Perry
Line 2 (The Ulcer Inducing Line): Punk Getzlaf - Forsberg - Selanne
Line 3 (The Unknown Line): Valeri Kamensky - Girl's Name Talbot - Adam Deadtomemarsh
Line 4 (The Thug Line): Purse Admirer Avery - ESPN FAIL Matthew Barnaby - Jordin Tootoo

Defense 1 (The People's Elbow Pairing): Sasquatch Pronger - French Bitch Beauchemin
Defense 2 (The Grumpy Old Men Pairing): Greybeard Niedermayer - Adam Foote
Defense 3 (The Hall of Shame Pairing): Cupcheater Bourque - Scott Stevens

Goalie 1 (Oh Sweet Baby Jesus Let This Man Burn In Hell): Patrick Roy
Goalie 2 (The Frustrating Quiet One): J.S. Giguere

Coach (The Insane Lunatic): Marc Crawford

In the Press Box:

Commentators: Gary Thorne and Bill Clement
On Ice Level: Darren Pang
NHL Commissioner: Kenny Holland

First Period:

Every Red Wings player scores, and Crawford leaves Roy in out of stupidity. Datsyuk puts up a hat trick. Lidstrom's slapper from the point shaves off Niederelbow's beard, hits Bourque in the balls and knocks out all of Pronger's teeth. Then Roy tries to statue-of-liberty it and Yzerman slaps him as Shanahan pokes it in. Rosby sits and cries in the corner, holding a candid portrait of his recently-deceased lover Lil' Gary Bettman. Konstantinov and Kronwall don't get any penalties for their bruising tactics, except for when they team up on Lemieux and break his face. Helm scores a shorthanded goal speeding up the sideline and the puck barely glances off Roy's glove like that goal Marty Lapointe scored back in 1997. Period ends with the Red Wings up 25-0.

Second Period:

Crawford has a heart attack and is replaced by Assistant Coach Joel Quenneville. Red Wings double their lead after Professor Larionov teaches the Unbearable Douches a lesson in goal scoring. He makes visionary passes to Fedorov, who laces up his awesome white Nike skates and dances around every player with the grace and ease of the mid-90s. Getzlaf and Perry have sex in the corner while admiring each other's hair and reciting their new fraternity pledge, and Beauchemin and Girl's Name Talbot surrender immediately at the slightest Red Wings rush. Roy stays in net and whines to be traded. Buzzer sounds with the Winged Wheels up 91-0.

Third Period:

McCarty turtles Lemieux off the opening faceoff. Roy gets pulled for third-stringer Jon Casey just so Yzerman can do this, then Roy is thrown back to the wolves. McCarty takes a shift off so Maltby and Kocur can re-enact the best moment of their lives from the 1997 finals (what?! no video!). Scott Stevens and Pronger try to cheap shot Yzerman collectively, miss him on the boards, and tear their ACLs. New NHL rules demand they play through it. Avery, wearing a pink jersey with a doll and a purse on the front, chops both of them on the kneecap with his stick even though he's their teammate because he's just that much of an Unbearable Douche. Zetterberg and Franzen put their beards together like the WonderTwins and form the Beard of Justice. It engulfs Jordin Tootoo and rids him of this world. The crowd goes crazy. Don't Stop Believin' starts playing and the PA cuts the volume for "Born in South Detroit." Game ends. Red Wings win 1919-0. Kenny Holland hands Yzerman the Cup, which has recently been re-engraved to award the Red Wings with every championship back to 1893.


I'm picked to go down into the locker room and meet all the players. Yzerman invites me out to dinner. Datsyuk's cell phone rings. Shanahan holds the Cup for me as I drink cold Blue Moon from it. The players say what the hell and have the white-glove guy engrave my name on Lord Stanley too. Right next to Stevie's. We all take magical sober pills and are about to leave in matching Detroit Red Wings Mini Coopers for a race where it's impossible for any of us to get hurt when we see Rosby still sobbing in the corner of the ice. We all get a turn kicking him in the nuts. I book a tee time with Shanny, Drapes and Liddy at Pebble Beach. We stay in touch.

Oh, what a dream.


Anonymous said...

how can you leave out Mr.Hockey?

Cameron Kittle said...

As great as Mr. Hockey was, I never saw him play or really felt the impact he had on the game. It would be an honor to meet him, but he doesn't quite fit into the best Wings fantasy I could come up with.

Anonymous said...

This post is beyond comment. Superb.

- Tyler