Friday, October 17, 2008

Twinkle, twinkle, little Starr, how I wonder what a jerk you are!

Quick! Stop addressing that envelope. Don't waste the 42 cents, just throw it in the trash. You can't buy this love with letters and praise.

Richard Starkey, famously known as Ringo Starr, was once the famed drummer for the biggest musical sensation in history, the Beatles. Since the band's break up in 1970, Ringo has put out 14 different solo albums and has been widely considered one of the most underrated drummers of all-time. Evidently, all the success has finally gone to his head.

Just this week, Starr uploaded a video onto his website where he spoke to his fans and told them he will no longer be signing any autographs or reading any of the fan mail he receives after October 20th.

"It's going to be tossed," he said sternly. "I'm warning you with peace and love, I have too much to do. So no more fan mail. Thank you, thank you. And no objects to be signed. Nothing. Anyway, peace and love, peace and love."

Too much to do!? You're a 68-year-old musician! What in the hell do you actually have to do? You have dozens of successful albums. You are admired by almost every young drummer in England. You have houses in England, Los Angeles, Monte Carlo, and Switzerland. You have enough money to pay someone to wipe yourself with $100 bills! And, in all likelihood, you haven't been answering your fan mail personally for decades! So my question is, why are you acting like such a prima donna and turning back on the easiest way to connect with your fans?

I remember buying two different books when I was a kid that listed some of the contact addresses and information for famous athletes. Andre Agassi, Wayne Gretzky, Michael Jordan, Ken Griffey Junior, among others. I wrote letters to all the players I admired. I remember the day I received a letter back from Dan Marino with an autographed picture included. It was one of the happiest moments of my young life; I still have the signed photo. The letter wasn't actually written by Dan Marino, I know that now. But as a young kid with a dream of someday becoming a professional athlete, it meant the world to me.

Fan mail is one of the perks of being a star. You hear from thousands, if not millions, of people around the world who take their personal time to write you a letter telling you how great you are. It's the kind of thing that would boost even Donald Trump's ego! And most of the time, they're not written by some con-artist adult hoping to score an autographed picture to sell on eBay, they're written by kids. Pre-teens, teenagers, or even young adults. They want to hear inspiring words about how you became famous, about how you can help them achieve their dreams.

So, please, please me Ringo. If you actually wished "peace and love" to all your fans, you'd keep that tea-and-crumpets-fetching assistant on staff so he can continue to print off generic responses with your signature at the bottom and send them out in the mail. So, even if you need a little help from your friends, get back online, and post an apology video. Don't let me down. Oh, and have a shave while you're at're beginning to look like a walrus.

P.S. Happy Birthday Mom!! :)

1 comment:

Penny Kittle said...

Great piece, Cam. Love the creative use of lyrics in the ending. And thanks for the shout out... you're a wonderful writer, but also a wonderful son.