Latres on the menjay. What did I just say?

A good journalist must have balance. The job requires writing ability, curiosity, sharp judgment, a quick mind, and an affinity for extra-strength coffee. Black.

Many of those things are picked up or learned in school. Professors correct and guide writing styles, help develop a student's inquiring mind and conduct classes at 8 a.m. (thus planting an early addiction to life's perky poision).

But one thing they don't teach you -- and it's an essential part of a journalist's daily work -- is the ability to answer, talk and leave messages on the telephone.

You have to pick that up talent on your own. And most of the time, the only way to get better is to fuck it up royally. Over and over and over again.

Think about the last time you called someone you've never met, or even someone you barely know. Maybe it's your friend's friend selling you his old couch for cheap or a cute girl whose number you snagged over drinks on a rainy Saturday. No matter who it is, the conversation is awkward.

Remember "I Love You, Man"? Paul Rudd plays an graceless character that seems exaggerated, but he's more normal than you think. Here's his first phone message to Jason Segel, the man behind his budding bromance.

Reporters make those kinds of calls and leave those kinds of messages anywhere from two to ten times for every one of the ten to twenty stories they write per week. It's a recipe for disaster.

Now, any journalist who's been at the job for more than an hour knows it's not that extreme. But it can be close. I've had bad days where I mumble my name into complete ambiguity, lose my line of thinking for five full seconds of silence or sound just as ridiculous as Rudd when he ends his message.

And it doesn't help that the people you're calling generally don't want to call you back. It interrupts their day, and reporters make people skittish. The second they hear "Hi, my name is Cameron Kittle and I'm a reporter with the Nashua Telegraph," their mind jumps to a grouchy, inconsiderate bulldog whose only goal in life is to make fun of your age and misquote you with libelous remarks. Some nerve he's got, calling me at three in the afternoon with questions about the recent heat wave...

So, not only is it your responsibility to try and avoid awkwardness, but you have to actually be genuinely interested enough in their collection of 400 dolls to make them like you and return your call. You also have to be quick to summarize your point, slow to relay your contact information and clear to enunciate properly.

This is all if the call goes smoothly. But shit goes haywire in a newsroom more often than not, and you can end up dialing one person and be transferred to four others in a single call. And don't expect any of the transfer-senders to inform the transfer-receivers (that would make way too much sense), so you'll have to repeat what you just said multiple times while your fellow employees stifle laughter as you're yanked around again and again.

It might sound like a minefield for rookies only, but it can be even worse when seasoned veterans switch jobs. Take the young guy who sits behind me for example. He worked in Masschusetts for a few years, just long enough to render his brain nearly incapable of improvisation. Nearly a month into the new job, I could still hear him fumbling his words at the end of a message:

"...and if you could give me a call back that'd be great. Once again this is Jake Berry at the Nashua Telegraph, and my number is 508-862--oh that's not right. I'm sorry..*awkward laughs*.. I'm still new. The number here is...*shuffling papers*...I'm sorry. You can reach me at 603-594-4108. Hope to hear from you!"

Annnd scene. Ouch. Maybe it doesn't sound that bad to you, but an eagle-eye newsroom camera would show every reporter seize up in the shoulders and cringe at Jake's struggle. But it's not his fault; it's a problem with routine.

Reporters leave so many messages and say their phone numbers so many times, it becomes cemented in the brain. Changing that after a few years would be like adding digits to your social security number and trying to say it backwards on the first try.

It might sound easy, but phone calls can sometimes be a reporter's biggest hurdle. Stumble out of the gate and you might be looking at a bad story, but master the art and you could see your byline in the New York Times. Of course, you'll still need all that writing and interviewing and coffee stuff, too.

Cam's Hat Trick: Blech. That was ugly.

Game #4: Red Wings 1, Stars 4

One: Turnovers. The Red Wings looked sloppy in every period, making bad passes and not controlling the puck. No one was exempt; even Captain Nick made a no-look pass in the first that was absurdly stupid and almost turned into a goal. I've watched the Wings for many years, and it's pretty rare when they put together a full 60-minute stinker like they did here. Just a lack of concentration all around. Oh, and Ozzie sucked.

Two: Posts. Datsyuk made a great move and dangled one off the crossbar in the first that would have tied the game, and Hudler rang another off the bar in the second. If both those shots go the Wings' way, I think it's a whole different game. It just seemed like the team couldn't generate any momentum, and an early goal before the Stars put the game away would have helped keep them in it.

Three: Road announcers. I don't live in the Detroit area, so I had to watch this game on NHL Network via FSN Southwest. I won't bother to look up the names of the idiots in charge of the play-by-play, but man, they were bad. Whether it was describing a player's actions as "corrupt" when he was called for a penalty or lauding Kari Lehtonen's play when he was, at best, a combination of awful and lucky, these Dallas guys had no clue what they were talking about. Play-by-play is a tough gig, so I can't say I'd do much better on the spot. But I'd venture to say I knew more about hockey when I was 10 years old than these guys do now.

Next up: Red Wings at Coyotes, Oct. 16 at 9 p.m. Rematch of last year's playoff series. Should be a good one. I won't be watching because I'm going to watch Michigan play UNH in what should be an awesome college hockey game, but I'll have the Hat Trick up by Sunday night. Go Wings!

Cam's Hat Trick: I hate you, Brandon Yip

Game #3: Red Wings 4, Avalanche 5

One: Kirk Maltby. Yep, the guy didn't play in this game. But for any longtime Red Wings fan, you know he deserves some recognition on the night he finally hangs up his skates. He retired this afternoon to take a scouting job with the team instead of play another year mostly in the minors. It's too bad, but he's just not good enough to make the roster anymore. The grinders made in his image are younger, faster, better. But that doesn't mean we don't all remember that Sports Illustrated cover in 1997, that back-and-forth goal with Joey Kocur against Philly in those '97 Finals, or the countless penalties he killed. It's sad to see him retire, but it was time. Thanks for everything, Malts. You were awesome.

Two: Pavel Datsyuk and Henrik Zetterberg. These guys are fucking magic together. Prepare for me to slobber over them way too many times this season. Whenever they're on the ice I'm ready for a goal. Their beauty in the second period was too easy. There's no other duo in the NHL that is as in sync as the Euro Twins. If Hank wasn't married to ungodly gorgeous Emma Andersson and Dats wasn't with his wife, whoever she is, I swear these two would be as good together as George and Mary Bailey.

Three: Doug Janik. Ugh. Please go away. Damn you, Rafalski's knee. I don't know if I can stand extended time with this guy on the ice. It's like Lilja, but worse.

Next up: Red Wings at Stars, Oct. 14 at 8:30 p.m. This game is on NHL Network, which makes me happy because that makes two nights this week Red Wing nights.

On a side note, I love watching a sport that gets over in two and a half hours with limited commercials. Not any of this all-afternoon football junk or forever-and-a-day playoff baseball. Exactly why hockey is my favorite.

Cam's Hat Trick: Get used to it, Chicago

Game #2: Red Wings 3, Blackhawks 2

One: Second-line scoring. Valtteri Filppula had two goals and Goon Bertuzzi had another as the Wings flew past the Hawks to ruin their opening night and their Stanley Cup banner ceremony. Filppula needs to step up and have a productive, healthy year to keep the Wings in it until the end and a game like this is a good start. His winner was a fluky one, but I'll take it. Nice way to jump on Chicago early in the season and grab two quick wins on opening weekend.

Two: Oh, Marty Turco. I loved you so much as the championship-winning goalie for the Michigan Wolverines back in their late-90s glory days and I was able to not hate you on the Stars, but this new deal you've got with the Hawks has soured me. Well, in fact it's made me very happy in that you can't stop any piece of black rubber sent from the stick of a Red Wings player (Turco is something like 1-2,000 against the Wings all-time), but I'm conflicted in that it makes me a teensy bit sad to see you suffer. But Wings over Wolverines, so I must root for your demise. Thank you for signing with the Blackhawks. The whole Wings faithful is forever grateful.

Three: Bittersweet Chicagoans. I love that the Wings ruined their home opener and the banner raising ceremony with a hard-fought victory. Enjoy that banner while you can, Hawks fans. You're not getting another this year. I'm not going to say it'll be another 49 years, but you have nothing close to what it takes to repeat in this league. Here starts your slow painful ride back to second place in the Central, where you belong.

Next up: Red Wings vs. Avalanche, Oct. 12 at 7 p.m. Back to the old rivalry. Another good one on tap and hopefully the first game of the season that I'll get to watch live. Let's get Jimmy another shutout! Yes, I realize I just jinxed it and the Avs will probably score a minute in, but whatever. Go Wings.

New Wings, New Ways

It's been a while since the Detroit Red Wings have held a strong presence on this blog, and that just doesn't sit well with me.

See, I have two followings of this blog (both of which are astronomically small): One that loves the Red Wings and wants to read endless words about their awesomeness, and one that cares nothing about the Red Wings but happens to like me as a person and wants to read my writing or what's going on in my life.

So, I've always tried to do a little of both to keep both camps happy (again, these camps barely need to split a single tent) but recently, I've strayed away from the Red Wings stuff. I don't put as much effort into writing about them as I used to, and my posts often come out quite inferior to much of the A2Ys and Triple Dekes and Snipe Snipe, Dangle Dangles of the Wings blogosphere.

I have always wanted to do something consistent throughout the season, but time commitments and laziness have always thrown a wrench into my plans. This year though, I think I have it.

Cam's Hat Trick.

It will be short, it will be sweet, it will follow every Red Wings game. And it won't affect how much I blog about other subjects, although that doesn't say a whole lot. Anyway, I'll still be trying to write about both.

Now, I can't see into the future and promise that I will hit all 82 regular season games, but I'm going to try. So if you want some quick thoughts, quirky observations or completely biased reviews, I will have three following each game. Even on nights when I can't watch, I'll bring you a fresh edition of Cam's Hat Trick based on what I read and saw on the highlight reels.

That's all I will promise for now, as the idea just came to me. It's really just a watered down version of the Triple Deke's game recaps It's going to be awesome. And with that, here we go:

Game #1: Red Wings 4, Ducks 0

One: Pavel Datsyuk getting in a fight with Corey Perry was awesome. My favorite player holding his own against one of my least favorite players in the league...just beautiful to watch. I still can't believe The Great Datsyuk finally decided to drop the gloves and I wasn't there to catch it live. But I watched it many times on replay, and I'm glad to see Dats got some punches in. The Dangle Master also had a great deflection goal and an assist before he completed the Gordie Howe Hat Trick with this fight in the second period. It's an awesome way to start the season, and it gets him the first nod in the opening edition of Cam's Hat Trick.


Two: Mike Modano scores a goal on his first shot as a Wing. A fluttering puck that floated past Jonas Hiller isn't anything to get excited about, but his presence was clearly felt. The guy is excited, the guy is motivated, the guy looks fuckin' good in red. I've been on the Mo2Motown bandwagon since the first whisper rumors emerged, and I'm so psyched to see one of my favorite former non-Wings finishing his career with the greatest franchise in the world. Very happy to see he had a good game and picked up his first goal tonight.


Three: Jimmy Howard stopped every puck that came his way and kicked off his sophomore season with a great effort. Sure, it was only 21 shots and it was the Ducks, but he showed no jitters and made every play he had to make. I really like this young kid, even if he's a former Maine Black Bear. This strong opening win will be good for his confidence and I hope he can keep it going tomorrow night against the hated 'Hawks. Speaking of which...

Next up: Red Wings at Blackhawks, Oct. 9. at 8:30 p.m. We have to watch those bastards raise their Cup banner, but hopefully we can spoil their fun and take another step toward reclaiming the division crown.

Did the little piggy really cry wee wee wee all the way home?

Three years ago, the Educational Farm at Joppa Hill thrived. It reported $105,000 in revenue in 2007, and executive director Lin L’Heureux said she even received donation checks by mail.

But since the recession hit, the farm has fallen. No sign was more depressing than the most recent anonymous donation: a bag of old hamburger buns left on L’Heureux’s doorstep last week.

“Things are worse than they’ve ever been since I’ve been here,” L’Heureux said, who started working at the Educational Farm when Bedford bought the land about five years ago. The farm is a nonprofit organization and has been a huge part of the community since it started providing summer farm camps for kids.

Mark Hayner, treasurer for the farm, said the organization has only $2,300 available in the bank, and it takes at least $4,000 to cover a single month of the 35-acre farm’s operating costs.

All current bills have been paid, he said Monday, but the farm could end the year with a $12,000 deficit and only $60,000 in total revenue – a 43 percent drop since 2007.

“We can’t spend more money than we bring in,” Hayner said, “but we still have costs that we can’t eliminate.”

The farm’s expenses include heat for the animals, electricity to run the milking equipment, insurance for the animals, buildings and payroll for the farm’s only employee, L’Heureux, who gets paid for 28 hours each week but says she logs nearly 60.

L’Heureux said it would be a “tragedy” if the farm were forced to close. Hayner said the possibility is real.

“We have a lot of dedicated people who love the farm, but we’re all in a little bit of denial,” Hayner said. “As the person responsible for the finances, I have to let them know the situation is dire.”

L’Heureux hopes one of the farm’s big fundraisers, the Fall Fair, on Sept. 26, will delay the farm’s concerns for a few weeks, but the reality of the problem is harsh: There’s just not enough income coming in or enough money in the bank to keep the farm going as it stands now.

“The things that we would need to make a financial plan come to life require capital investments that we don’t currently have,” Hayner said.

He said the majority of the farm’s revenue comes from its summer camp, where kids ages 4-11 come for a week and get hands-on experiences while learning about farming, ecology, conservation and veterinary care.

But as enrollment numbers, grants and donations all continue to dwindle in the tough economic conditions, Hayner and L’Heureux aren’t sure where to turn for help.

Hayner said in the past, the Educational Farm has used their good relationship with their creditors as an advantage.

“They’ve allowed us to float in the winter the past couple of years when we don’t have any income,” he said. “We tell them we’ll repay our debt in the springtime, and they’ve allowed us to do that.

“But we can’t keep living on the good graces of our creditors. We need to find places for the animals. We need to have an exit plan.”

The farm’s board of directors met Sept. 2 with members of the community to develop ideas on how the farm could be saved, but Hayner said even the best ideas won’t create quick cash flow. He said the group of Bedford High School students who volunteered to start a club connected to the farm could help bring in more money through fundraisers or public exposure.

“People start to recognize the value of things when it’s the young people who start bringing it to light,” he said.

Hayner mentioned that there are other ideas to generate additional income, including selling ice cream at the farm, but he said the farm doesn’t have the money to buy new equipment or services to make those ideas tangible.

Right now, the farm’s only source of income in the winter is its raw milk program, which L’Heureux said offers some relief. The farm sells about 35 gallons a week to local customers, but sometimes those numbers can drop even further if the cows don’t produce enough milk or if the loyal customers don’t return every week. Horseback riding lessons also run throughout the fall until the ground freezes for winter.

“It’s a treasure,” said Pelham volunteer Jessica Edwards. “Kids don’t see cows, sheep and horses on a regular basis. It’s educational to see conservation in action.”

L’Heureux said the farm still needs help every day and budgets 14 volunteer shifts per week for people who come before or after work to feed the animals or milk the cows.

At the farm, there are horses, goats, sheep, cows, chickens and a 1,000-pound pig named China that was adopted after spending much of his young life trapped in a closet at a Boston-area Chinese restaurant.

She said a handful of the dedicated volunteers are developmentally disabled adults, including a man named Ray who visits regularly to clean out the chicken coops. She said working on the farm can be a huge help for adults who can’t hold a regular job due to their disability.

“It gives them an opportunity to get good exercise while working outside in the fresh air and immediate gratification because when you leave, you can see what you’ve done to help these animals,” L’Heureux said.

She said the Educational Farm at Joppa Hill offers something that locals can’t find in any of the surrounding towns.

“There are all sorts of camps,” L’Heureux said, “but not a lot of farm camps. The whole idea of playing outside is gone.”

Last Thursday, Sarah Ray, 4, and her sister Ana, 2, visited the farm with their nanny and happily fed the goats and cows. Victoria Plumpton, 26, of Manchester, watches over the two sisters and often brings them to the farm on Thursdays because the young girls always ask to go.

“The girls love to come here,” Plumpton said. “I think it would be a big loss if Joppa Hill was gone.”

L’Heureux said she really has no idea how to save the farm. She said it comes down to help from the community and the economy. If it turns around, she could see that moldy bag of hamburger buns transform back into donation checks. If not, the outlook remains bleak.

“If we don’t get any help, the farm will continue to deteriorate,” L’Heureux said. “The animals would all have to be placed in other farms. It would be really sad."

Story can also be found on the Telegraph website, here.

Planet Fitness: A Grammar-Free Zone

I joined Planet Fitness two months ago. It's been a great place to run and work out after my day shift, and even during the busiest times I have no trouble finding an open treadmill. It only costs a pocket of change per day, and I get free haircuts to boot from the stylist on staff. Yes, you read that right. I get free haircuts from my gym. I could even look like the Danish Danny Zuko over here if I asked for it.

Overall, it's been a great experience. The best I could ask for out of a gym. It's open all day and all night from Monday to Friday and has reasonable hours on the weekends.

But there's one tiny thing that has been driving me crazy for weeks now, and I finally decided to write about it.

See, Planet Fitness has this idea in mind where anyone in the world can come to their gyms. They attract the sharks that bite through a bench press and the whales who come up for air walking two on the treadmill.

It's an honorable venture. It works, too. I like going to a gym where most people are there to stay healthy or lose a few pounds. It's a positive atmosphere. And their motto reflects that:

Planet Fitness, the Judgement Free Zone.

They even copyrighted the phrase. (Probably because if you say judgement-free zone, it's supposed to have a dash because judgement-free is acting as a compound adjective, and they don't want to deal with the mess of proper grammar hence their own copyrighted version, the bastards).

And part of that judgement-free zone is trying to keep the body builders quiet and respectful. The big guys who GTL like (insert Guido name here) are still welcome at Planet Fitness, but only if they don't grunt, heave their weights to the floor or "judge" others.

If they do, an alarm goes off. There are sensors in the floor and supposedly something else that picks up on excessive noise. The alarm is a loud wavy noise, sort of like what you hear at some hockey rinks when a period ends.

And Planet Fitness has their own name for it: the lunk alarm.

But that's not what irks me. They can have whatever gimmicky noises they want while I'm there; I'm blastin' Empire State of Mind over and over again. I'm jammin' out mahn, with mah bass.

No, my problem is the definition for their made-up word and the ridiculous sentence they have beneath it.

As you can see from the photo, it's not at all Planet Fitness locations, but here's what it says at the one in Nashua:

Lunk (lunk) n. [slang]: one who grunts, drops weights or judges.

Then, in italics below:

[Ricky is slamming his weights, wearing a body building tank top and drinking out of a gallon water jug...what a lunk!]

This single sentence drives me crazy. First, as a minor aside, these Planet Fitness people have no fucking clue how to use a compound adjective. Body-building tank top. Seriously, I don't think even a full season of Schoolhouse Rock would save them. The CEO needs to take a lesson from my girlfriend and hire an English major on staff.

Second, read the sentence again. To me, it sounds like Ricky is just your average guy with a shitty name who likes to wear tank tops and has a dehydration problem. And maybe he likes to use the word slammin'. I see no evidence of grunting, dropping weights or judging.

If Planet Fitness is going to make up their funny-sounding slang words [note the correct use of the compound adjective] with definitions, they should at least be able to use them in a sentence correctly. All they're showing me with this line about Ricky is their own prejudice against gym rats and that they'd be really bad as National Spelling Bee judges.

Planet Fitness CEO: OK Shoshana, this is for the championship. Your word is, Hebrew.

Little Shoshana: Can I have the definition please?

Planet Fitness CEO: A member of the Semitic peoples inhabiting ancient Palestine and claiming descent from Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.

Little Shoshana: Can you use it in a sentence please?

Planet Fitness CEO: That man over there counting his money is wearing a funny hat and has a hook nose...what a Hebrew!

Little Shoshana: F*** you.

And they have the nerve to call this place a judgement-free zone.