Happy Presidents' Day! It's yet another of our nation's fake holidays that gives some people the day off and others the jealous impulse to punch those that get the day off. In spirit, I decided to do my civic duty by researching our founding fathers with the most advanced search technology we have at our fingertips today: Google Instant Search.
Google Instant Search is a tool that can lead you to where you're going in a fast, instantaneous way. It brings up the most popular searches of the letters you are typing as soon as you type them, which is great if you want to check the weather or movie showtimes in your area. Boom, it's there. Instantly. Sweet! But Google Instant Search also reveals our nation's stupidity. Our huge, pulsating stupidity that only gets worse as technology advances.
So here's what I did: I took every president's name and typed it into Google by phrasing it as a question. "Is (president's name) ...." and waited for my instant searches to pop up.
Several presidents with lackluster terms or unfortunately long names (I'm looking at you, William Henry Harrison) revealed nothing, except that our population rarely searches for them. But looking for a few of the notable presidents brought forth some hilarious, racist and damned homophobic results (click images to enlarge):
I wasn't shocked that Obama's ethnicity, moral core and sexual orientation were questioned, but it turned out to be a pretty interesting trend...
HE FREED THE SLAVES! HE MUST HAVE BEEN A GAY BLACK DEMOCRAT!
I WAS RAISED ON PROMISES THAT JAMES BUCHANAN WAS A STRAIGHT MAN! I'M LIVING IN A WORLD OF LIES!
It seems like everybody looking for presidents wants to know two things: whether they're black and whether they're gay. We seriously need to start taking away the deep south's computer privileges.
But of course, there's still one president they'll never question...
He still might be black though...or one of those hippy vegan types. Daggum sunofabitch.