10 Things I'd Say to My Kid

Yes, I've missed eight installments of Cam's Hat Trick. But judging from a lack of raging comments, I'm going to guess you simply take your Red Wings reading elsewhere whenever I succumb to laziness or a broken computer. Either way, I'm going to try and get back on the horse even though I rarely get to see any games and make most of my judgments on highlights. It's a handicap you'll have to accept if you visit Egypt's Land.

So what'd I miss? Well, the Wings won six and lost two. They're awesome and way better than your team. Enough said. I'll have a Hat Trick for you tomorrow night following the Wings and Ducks game.

But you came here for new content. I've got that in spades.

Bill Simmons is a popular writer on ESPN. He's great; I like his style, but too often he focuses on basketball and Boston sports - two topics I really could care less about. Sometimes though, he melds his personal life with sports and his column really hits home for me. Wednesday's piece was just that.

He wrote about his five-year-old daughter's envy of an opposing team's uniforms, which were purple and gold - the colors of the Los Angeles Lakers and nemesis of Simmons' beloved Boston Celtics. When he asked her what she thought about green uniforms, she said she HATED green, emphasized with a grimace.

Now, they were just soccer uniforms in a youth league, but Simmons' quick mind immediately flew to the worst-case scenario.

When she's in the ninth grade, I can't have some senior showing up with a Gasol beard, a USC hat and an SUV shaking my hand and saying that they're "just going out for a bite to eat," only he's going to have that barely perceptible, "I've felt your daughter's boobs before, and I'm going to do it again tonight" smirk on his face, followed by me stabbing him to death and serving the mandatory sentence.

I can see myself in a similar situation, should my future daughter ever choose a man with Buckeye allegiances or a Crosby crush. My immediate thought was simple and emphatic:

Oh. My. Christ.

I can't let that happen. So, as Simmons points out in his final paragraphs, a powerful tool can be your parental influence when the child is young - even if that means lying.

So here are 10 little lies I'd tell my future child. With any luck, they'll help my son or daughter see red and think Red Wings, not Buckeyes.

1. "Remember Mr. McGregor, the bad man from all the cute Peter Rabbit stories you love? He grows Buckeyes in his garden. Then all the little bunnies die."
2. "Yep, an asteroid killed the dinosaurs. They say it came from Pittsburgh."
   
3. "Of course it exists. The fire swamp's just over in Colorado. That place is rife with ROUSs."
4. "Why did Scar kill Mufasa? Well, it's because he had a Notre-Dame education, honey."
   
5. "The Blackhawks are the Indian tribe that started slavery."
   
6. "Ohio State scientists captured the Berenstain Bears and did experiments on them."
   
7. "Oh, don't cry! Captain Hook's not real. He won't come take you away. But Patrick Roy might."
   
8. "Everyone in the world believed in Santa Claus until Eli Manning said something."
9. "Snape? No, no no. You're thinking of Sidney Crosby. He's the one who killed Dumbledore."
   
10. "Without Steve Yzerman, you'd never get any Christmas presents. Or birthdays."

Seems harmless enough to me. I see no future ramifications. Leave your own manipulative lies in the comments!

Cam's Hat Trick: Spilled.

Game #14: Red Wings 6, Oilers 2

One: I hate not having Center Ice. I love listening to games on the radio, but the NHL seems to have done away with that free feature too. Anyway, so I missed tonight's game and couldn't watch any web feeds because my internet was spotty. All you Wings Tweeters had me salivating for highlights, but I had to settle for this crap:


Hockey's not nearly as fun to watch with only little S, H and G bubbles that pop up after every shot, hit or goal. In fact, it's pretty lame, which totally sucks since this game sounded like it was a lot of fun to watch. What game isn't when the Wings score six goals? Wish I coulda seen it. Instead I had to choose between Yzerman's Wrath against the Capitals or the Bruins-Habs on the local station here. Blah. At least the NHL uploads their game highlights super quickly. Oh, wait. Thanks Gary.

Two: The Bulin Wall crumbles. The Wings were great, as far as I could tell from NHL on the Fly, but most of their goals were pretty weak. Fil's opener was awesome, but both of Cleary's and Homer's goals could have been stopped. All good shots and great, tough plays, but I have to think the score would have been different if a 37-year-old drunk Russian wasn't in goal for the Oil. But I'll take it for 10 wins in 14 games. This team is awesome. Built for June. I can taste it.

Three: This new NHL All-Star Game format idea is awesome. There's always been so much argument over East vs. West, America vs. World, etc. But this puts it up to the players. Name two captains and let them pick who they want on their team. Awesome. While I hate the idea of any Red Wings playing against each other - certainly a possibility - I'm pumped to see the pros pick sides like a street game. The only way they could make it better is if they all put their sticks in a big pile at center ice before the game and picked teams that way. Any bets on who gets picked last? Every on the team will be on All-Star, but I'd say the biggest off-ice assholes might get the shaft. Corey Perry? Chris Pronger? I'd love to see Rosby get the honor and watch his goofy grin fade away like Brady Quinn's on draft day in 2007. No matter what, it'll be awesome. Captain Nick takes Dats or Z first. Calling it now.

Next up: Red Wings vs. Avalanche, Nov. 13 at 7 p.m. I'm sick of hearing about the young, plucky Avs and how they're on the up and up. Let's lay waste to 'em at home and snag another couple points. Go Wings.

Four-in-One Super Trick!

Game #10: Red Wings 2, Flames 1

Game #11: Red Wings 3, Oilers 1
Game #12: Red Wings 4, Canucks 6
Game #13: Red Wings 3, Coyotes 2

One: I know that picture is old, simple and has a ridiculously poor choice of background color, but I was Googling for Red Wings images and found that one. The Wings didn't even play the Ducks and don't until next month, but it made me laugh. Done. Anyway, so I've been away. And the Wings kept playing without me, the bastards. Seems as though they played pretty well though. This is a total waste of an observation. Wait! Lee Stempniak is a dick. Comment salvaged.

Two: Justin Abdelkader. The Afrogator is smart, he works hard and he has so much talent. I love having him on this team. He's a huge reason why the Wings won the first couple games against Calgary and Edmonton, and I think he'll continue to play instead of Hudler even if he's less talented. Hudler just doesn't bring it the same way Abby does. Not every night. Him and Helm, they just outwork you. They are perfect examples of heart over talent. Everyone wants a guy or two like that on their team. The Wings have a roster full of 'em.

Three: Yes, I'm going to be slightly lame and only give three things about four different games. From the highlights, the Wings looked great in the first two games. They played sound defense with some timely scoring and came out with a couple big wins. I would have bet a ton of money that Detroit would drop the Canucks game, seeing as it was their toughest game of the three in Canada and without any rest. If the Wings had enough gas in the third period, they would have swept the whole trip. Oh well. I'm just happy they scored four on Luongo. I don't care what time of year it is; that game alone proves to me he doesn't have what it takes to win the big one. And yes, I can make that kind of outlandish, broad statement about one of the league's best goaltenders despite not seeing a second of his play on Saturday. I stand by my point. He's a quieter, slightly more playoff-successful version of Nabokov. Sure, he won gold at the Olympics last year, but that competition is nothing like the NHL playoffs. One-and-done elimination compared to best-of-seven play. Not even similar. The Canucks are awesome as a team, but there's a reason they have lost to inferior Chicago teams both of the past two years: Luongo. And now that I've said all that he'll probably have 16 shutouts and win the Conn Smythe, judging from my wonderfully prescient Cup prediction based on dislike last year.

Next up: Red Wings vs. Oilers, Nov. 11 at 7:30 p.m. Do we really have to play these guys again? Fiiiine.

Cam's Hat Trick: Winner Winner

Game #9: Red Wings 5, Predators 2

One: Home unis. I absolutely loved the decision to bring back the home whites for this game. If it's up to the team every game, they should just buck the league trend/rules and play in their whites all the time. Not that I have anything against the gorgeous reds on the road, but there's just something awesome about the Wings in white. Reminds me of '97 and Stevie lifting that Cup for the city. Great memories.

Two: Central Division statement. So far, the Wings have dominated the Hawks and the Preds in their only divisional games this year. Those are supposedly the top two teams to challenge the Wings for the Central crown. I don't care if it's early; I love that the Wings are making a statement to their "rivals" and setting the tone for a great year. They have the best talent in the best division in the league. I'd say that puts them above everything else. Put on your white gloves, Cup people. Start engraving.

Three: Bad journalism. I just couldn't let this slide when I'm reporting on small town local news and some person out there gets to cover all the Red Wings games for the Associated Press. Here's the lead from tonight's story, found on ESPN.com:

DETROIT -- Usually a set-up man, Pavel Datsyuk has suddenly turned into quite a goal scorer.

Datsyuk had two goals and an assist to lift the Detroit Red Wings to a 5-2 victory over the Nashville Predators on Saturday night.

Seriously? I know hockey recap writers love to use the one-liners to open up a very plain game story (because they're essentially the same format every single fucking time), but this is unacceptable. Pav is a set-up man, but he's also been one of the flashiest goal scorers in this league for several years. Apparently, this idiot didn't do his/her homework. Shame on you.

Next up: Red Wings at Flames, Nov. 3 at 9:30 p.m. This game, along with the following two games against the Oilers and Canucks, will make for a tricky situation. I'm spending next weekend at Penn State to visit a few friends and catch a football game, so it's possible three games could pass before I get a chance to Hat Trick them all. So expect either a bigger summary next Sunday night or perhaps a four-game combo post following their game against the Coyotes on Nov. 8. Either way, Go Wings.

Cam's Hat Trick: Ugly

Game #8: Red Wings 2, Coyotes 4

One: Goaltending. Ozzie was terrible, like seriously atrocious in the first. I assume he must have some sort of brain injury because that shorthanded goal to put the Coyotes up 3-0 in the first was the worst thing I've ever seen. To his credit, he played well in the second and third periods to keep the Wings in it and give them a chance to pull off the comeback. But his shockingly awful opening frame cost the Wings the game.

Two: Slow start. The Wings were lazy in the first and sorely missed Brian Rafalski on the blueline. Kindl was undressed by Vrbata on the first goal. Keith Yandle picked the corner on the second when the Wings took a stupid penalty. Then no one chased down Lauri Korpikoski (supposedly a man) on the third goal and he put a soft wrister past Ozzie's near pad. All of it could have been avoided with a little more focus in the first, and maybe the Wings could've won this game.

Three: I have nothing else to say. This game sucked. And Lauri Korpikoski needs to change his name. Or leave it for excessive verbal abuse. In fact, I kind of like that second option.

Next up: Red Wings vs. Predators, Oct. 30 at 7 p.m. Let's kick these southern bastards in the teeth. Never liked their existence and never will. Why even bother with hockey in Nashville? Sell 'em to Quebec. Go Wings.

Cam's Hat Trick: Just Ducky

Game #7: Red Wings 5, Ducks 4

One: Pavel Datsyuk. Need I say more?

Two: Deflections. An amazing one by Tomas Holmstrom tied the game at four and a couple great redirections by Zetterberg brought the Wings back into it. I admit that I don't watch many other NHL games and teams, but it would be hard for me to believe anyone else in the NHL is as talented at deflecting and redirecting the puck past goalies as the Wings. The tying tally by Homer through McIlwhatever's legs was awesome. I'll never understand how a guy with such soft touch with his back to the net has absolutely no awareness or skill when facing it.

Three: Standings. Since I didn't see the game and can't offer too much comment on it, I'll take a general look at where this win puts the Wings. First. Yeah. In the league. Only seven games in and they have five wins. Sounds pretty good to me. Pittsburgh and Chicago are there too, but they've played more games without any additional success. Believe me, I'm not getting ahead of myself. It's been seven games. But I've seen enough hockey to know what it means for the Wings to get off to a hot start and get the chemistry rolling. A good October bodes well for June.

Next up: Red Wings vs. Coyotes, Oct. 28 at 7 p.m. Somehow I thought the Wings were playing the Ducks twice in a row. Instead, they get the Coyotes for the second time this month.

Cam's Hat Trick: Dousing the Flames.

Game #6: Red Wings 4, Flames 2

One: The Great Datsyuk. His magic was on full display again tonight, setting up Zetterberg's goal with an amazing backhand pass and then Lidstrom's powerplay tally with a ridiculous display of tic-tac-toe stickwork. It honestly looks like he's fooling around by himself on the ice sometimes, deftly swinging the puck around and tapping it over and under opponents' sticks just for fun. There's no other player like him. I refuse to believe there ever has been or ever will be. (By the way, I must have a copy of that shirt. It's fantastic. Combines my love of The Prestige and the hockey magician himself. Gift ideas anyone? I like the slate color.)

Two: Jiiiimmy Jimmy Jimmah. Have I mentioned how much I like this kid? He's an awesome goalie. He kept the Wings in the game for the first two periods and backstopped the team to a win in the third. I've been trained to have doubts about the Wings' goaltending, except for the magical year with Dom in 2002, and this year is no exception. But I'm coming around fast with Howard in goal. He really steps up and makes big saves when the team needs it. Plus he's an awesome guy. One of those goalies who would never lift the Cup and take it home with him if he had nothing to do with the team that won it. Right? Oh. Damn. Well I'd do it too if I had the chance.

Three: I'd love to say I had three separate thoughts about this game not about Pavel Datsyuk, but I didn't. My mind was slobbering over Dats pretty much the whole time. Well, except for Franzen's awesome goal in the third that he banked off Kiprusoff's head from no angle and the puck rolled down Kipper's shoulder. That was amazing. And Bertuzzi's clincher in the top corner. Sweet. But no, this spot will be for Detroit commercials. I don't live in the area, so I can't usually watch the Wings on FSN-Detroit. But with Center Ice being free for the month of October, I caught the game on God's favorite channel and was able to watch many Michigan commercials. The Pure Michigan ad with Stevie Y chomping on an apple, the new Dr. Rahmani Eye Doctor spot with Lidstrom and my personal favorite: the Red Wings team commercial with Babcock, Osgood, Franzen, and Datsyuk. Hilarious. Almost makes me want to pony up the cash to watch Center Ice and FSN-Detroit all year long.

Next up: Red Wings vs. Ducks, Oct. 23 at 7 p.m. I won't be watching, but I'll have the Hat Trick up by Sunday night once again. This is the second of three match-ups the Wings have against the Ducks this month. Odd scheduling, but I love to hate the Ducks. Let's do it.